When your spouse announces he is gay

[aksnowgirl98]

(LifeWire) -- When her husband of more than a decade revealed he was gay, Anna Marie Will was surprised -- but not shocked.

Her husband, Jim, had never fit her stereotypical idea of the sports-loving, macho, straight guy, and the two had even gone to gay bars with a friend who was gay. But that didn't mean she was prepared for the news.


http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/02/15/gay.spouse/index.html

[Rachael]

That would be harder for me to forgive than anything else, short of molesting children or killing someone.

To me, marrying someone when you know you're gay (and deep down, I think people always know) and then "coming out" is one of the most selfish, hurtful things someone can do to someone else.

I'm sorry, but I feel very strongly about this.  It may be hard to come out of the closet, but if you're even doubting your sexuality, you shouldn't be getting married.  Period.  Many gay men date and marry women to keep up a selfish denial of their true selves.  It hurts them, and it hurts other people.

Christ Almighty.  Few things piss me off more than this.

[Taylor-MadeAK]

That would be harder for me to forgive than anything else, short of molesting children or killing someone.

To me, marrying someone when you know you're gay (and deep down, I think people always know) and then "coming out" is one of the most selfish, hurtful things someone can do to someone else.

I'm sorry, but I feel very strongly about this.  It may be hard to come out of the closet, but if you're even doubting your sexuality, you shouldn't be getting married.  Period.  Many gay men date and marry women to keep up a selfish denial of their true selves.  It hurts them, and it hurts other people.

Christ Almighty.  Few things piss me off more than this.

What about doing it right before your first child is born? 

[Oni]

What about doing it right before your first child is born?

*is Burned*

Give me some time and I will create a response to this when my brain is more functioning.

[Taylor-MadeAK]

What about doing it right before your first child is born?

*is Burned*

Give me some time and I will create a response to this when my brain is more functioning.

You know I deliberately left your name out of it, right?  I wasn't trying to single you out, I was just adding another point for Rachael to consider.

[Oni]

Ya I know. But most people know of my story. And so I really have no quarls posting it. It's makes it easer for people to think less of me LOL.

Once married or in a long term commitment, I don't think there is a right time to "come out" There are defently some times that are better than others.

Just cause you come out does not mean you don't still care for the other person though.

Thinking about it Rachael, would it not be more selfish to ask your partner to live a lie for you?

[Rachael]

Equally selfish, maybe.  More selfish, no.

Honestly, if that happened to me--and it's actually one of my biggest fears--part of me would wish he could have just lived a lie the rest of his life.

Of course, I've never fallen in love with someone before and maybe I would love him enough to be completely unselfish, even if he wasn't.  I doubt it, though.  I think most humans are basically selfish creatures.

[Taylor-MadeAK]

We start out that way, but that's why we raise our children - so that they can be taught to be otherwise.  For some people no amount of teaching can overcome their selfishness, but for the vast majority there is hope.  Problem is, we now live in a society whose adults are so "busy" that growing number of our children are being raised by a combination of creche and the #^@#$% television, and not by their parents.

[Oni]

"if you love some one let them go"

[Rachael]

Obviously, I would.  And honestly, I wouldn't want to stay married to someone I knew was gay, anyway.

But if you love someone, it's equally imperative that you be honest with them, and with yourself.  Like Billy Joel said, "I don't want some pretty face to tell me pretty lies."

[Oni]

There for if you love them you tell them the truth and who you are?

[Rachael]

Yes, but if you wait until after you're married to do that, then you're a selfish prick.  Less of a selfish prick than if you'd waited even longer, but a selfish prick nonetheless.

Again, it would be equally selfish to force that person to stay in the relationship.  But I wouldn't blame the person's partner for being angry, or never wanting to see them again.

Hopefully, I could eventually find it in my heart to forgive the person.  But it would be difficult.

[Oni]

Again, it would be equally selfish to force that person to stay in the relationship.  But I wouldn't blame the person's partner for being angry, or never wanting to see them again.

Oh I couldnt blame them for that iether. LOL.

[scooter]

Yes, but if you wait until after you're married to do that, then you're a selfish prick.  Less of a selfish prick than if you'd waited even longer, but a selfish prick nonetheless.

I feel like I need to chime in on this.  You cannot always blame a guy for not coming out early in life, a lot of people are brain washed by their parents and church into thinking that they need to get married and have kids as soon as they move out of the house.  Believe me, 18 years of "hell-fire and damnnation, suck a **** and you will burn in the lake of fire forever" will do it's job, bury the real 'you'.

School isn't the real world, you pick the people you hang out with, you are not exposed to the real world until you get out, get a job and are then truly exposed to the randomness out there and only then does your mind start to heal from the damage done.

So as you can see, saying that someone is s selfish prick when they come out after marriage/kids is not even close to being an all inclusive fair statement.

[Rachael]

Look, you can pretend you're gay and still not get married.  Once you marry someone you are selfishly dragging that person into your struggles.  In my view, there is no excuse marrying someone of the opposite sex if you are attracted to the same sex.

It's true that once you're married, it's a "damned if you do, damned if you don't situation."  I could certainly forgive my husband for coming out to me; however, I don't know if I could ever forgive him for getting married in the first place.  I would be furious.  The longer we had stayed married, the more furious I would be.  I feel furious just thinking about it.  I would want him out of my life.  I would never want to see him again.  If there were children in the relationship, I would do what was best for them, but see as little of him as possible. 

It's extremely difficult for me not to judge someone who marries a member of the sex they're not attracted to. 

I feel deeply for people who feel forced into the closet because of their sexual orientation.  But when they marry someone of the opposite sex, that sympathy ends, especially in countries where *gasp* you can not get married and still live a normal life.

It frightens me, how harsh I am on this issue and how easy it would be to turn into an hateful, revengeful woman if it ever happened to me.

Truth be told, Oni, I sympathized with your ex from the beginning.  I was less disgusted by your story because you were smart enough to come out before you were married, but that was then I realized that what you did is high on my list of sins I could never forgive in my spouse.  Yes, I would shrivel up into a bitter old maid, distrusting and hateful of men--and maybe even gays--everywhere.  I would become the type of person I can't stand.

At the same time, it's invigorating, discovering this dark, angry side of myself.  Thanks, James.