30 Reasons Why Alton Brown is My Hero

[Taylor-MadeAK]

#1. Alton Brown grinds his own peppercorns. With his teeth.

#2. Alton Brown’s chili cheese fries are healthier than raw carrots. Even after he adds the bacon and lard.

#3. Alton Brown brushes his teeth with wasabi and gargles with pickle brine. But still his breath smells like lemon merengue.

#4. Alton Brown can boil a three-minute egg in thirty-seven seconds.

#5. When Alton Brown was born, he collected the hospital slop they’d left for his mother and made it into a zesty, appetizing goulash. The dish fed the entire maternity ward for a week.

#6. In the first, as-yet-unaired episode of Iron Chef America, Alton Brown single-handedly defeated an all-star team of Bobby Flay, Cat Cora, and Hiroyuki Sakai. The secret ingredient was ‘whimsy’.

#7. Alton Brown doesn’t reduce sauces. He demoralizes sauces.

#8. Alton Brown prepares his fugu blindfolded, with one chopstick and a plastic spork. Alton Brown ain’t afraid of no chump neurotoxin.

#9. Alton Brown’s blender has four speeds: ’stir’, ‘mix’, ‘frappe’, and ‘plasmify’.

#10. Alton Brown can split a pineapple in half using only his pinkies. For coconuts, though, he has to use his thumbs.

#11. Alton Brown knows where capers come from. And he grows his own, on a Chia pet in the pantry.

#12. On Rachel Ray’s show, she shows people where to eat for less than forty dollars a day. When Alton Brown eats, people pay him.

#13. Alton Brown slices ham so thin it can only be seen using an electron microscope.

#14. Some knives can slice through a tin can and still cut a tomato. Alton Brown’s knives can slice through a Pontiac and still cut a tin can.

#15. Grown men have been known to weep for joy in the mere presence of Alton Brown’s vinagrette. His hollandaise sauce can kill a man from sheer ecstacy at forty paces.

#16. Alton Brown can eat just one Lay’s potato chip. If he ever bothered to eat food he didn’t make himself, that is.

#17. Alton Brown once got carried away slicing carrots, and julienned his cutting board. Undaunted, he sauteed the splinters in olive oil and spices — and they were delicious.

#18. Every Burger King Alton Brown has walked into has immediately closed forever — try as they might, they simply can’t ‘do it his way’.

#19. Alton Brown can pair a wine with any food — including hot dogs, ice cream, raw eggs, Alpo, sawdust, and Soylent Green.

#20. Alton Brown was once asked to participate in a blind orange juice taste test. He was the only person able to successfully identify the brand, style, vintage, temperature, pH level, distance to the orchard, age of the grove trees, and the names of the workers picking the fruit. Including the one who needs to start washing after bathroom breaks.

#21. Some meats are so tender, they seem to melt in your mouth. Alton Brown’s meats are so tender he’s had entire turkeys vanish into thin air.

#22. Alton Brown’s no saint. But if his Chicken Kiev cures one more kid’s leprosy, the church will reconsider the evidence.

#23. Alton Brown doesn’t whip potatoes. Alton Brown’s potatoes whip themselves, if they know what’s good for them.

#24. Alton Brown’s other car is the Wienermobile.

#25. Alton Brown’s show is called ‘Good Eats’, because ‘Multiple Shuddering Mouthgasms’ didn’t play with the network’s target demographic.

#26. Alton Brown’s freezer operates at minus-twenty-seven degrees. Kelvin.

#27. Alton Brown once prepared shrimp gumbo for a cooking competition, using only salt, water, canned Spam, and a packet of Arby’s ‘Horsey Sauce’. He took second place. He would have won, but one of the judges was allergic to shellfish.

#28. Alton Brown can fit three hundred and forty-two cookies on a standard-sized baking sheet. Without any touching.

#29. When Alton Brown slices onions, the onions cry.

#30. Alton Brown’s cakes don’t rise. They ascend.

[Oni]

LOL that's  great.

[Rosa D.]

Best damn thing I've read all week. And I bet every word of it is true.

[lazydullard]

i hope alton brown doesn't turn into the internet's next "chuck norris"

but I have never missed an episode of good eats. the only other series that I can boast that about is Gumby

[Im1ru1]

Who is this alton brown character, and why is TMAK taling about him as though he cooks as well as I do?

[Oni]

UMMMM you have to come over and watch. Oni will show you.


He cooks like TM makes Beer....Very God like.

[Im1ru1]

so alot like me then?

[Taylor-MadeAK]

Smarter.   

Come on, how many other TV cooking shows are run by a guy with degrees in physics?

[Frankie87]

That was hilarious! A really fun read, my favorite was #20. This reminds me of the Chuck Norris list, I have the poster in my room, lol. I have list one, I wanna get list two. You should probably make a second list

[Goman Fox]

Awesome, I can appreciate "Chuck Norris"-style jokes so much more when it's Alton Brown.

The man is a cooking god and all, especially since he explains the science behind it.  That's the only show I like to watch on Food Network anymore (since they took off the old Iron Chef)

I thank Lazydullard for introducing me to Alton Brown years ago.

[Crimson]

Smarter.   

Come on, how many other TV cooking shows are run by a guy with degrees in physics?

i like the lobster episode. everytime i've told someone lobsters are related to roaches then asked if they still like lobster they've been pissed off and threatened to puke on me 

[Oni]

I just watched an hour special on "Behind the seens (sp) what makes Good Eats" Basically all the behind the camera stuff and how the show is made. Pretty sweet I thought.

[Taylor-MadeAK]

Lol yeah, "W" is actually Vicky...AB's chiropractor.  Who knew? 

[Zev The Dog]

Alton Brown looks disturbingly similar to my uncle John.

His show rocks, and is the only thing I'd bother buying cable for.

[Zev The Dog]

NOTICE: ZEV THE DOG'S SOUL HAS BEEN REPOSSESSED BY MASTER TAKESHI KAGA