"Who" Are Your Friends?

[Zev The Dog]

Recently I discovered that a close friend of mine was a convicted sexual predator. I took immediate action and ostracized him from my life. 7 years I knew him, and in the course of one evening, I threw him out of my life forever. I did not give him the opportunity to explain how he'd changed his life, and what he'd done to rectify his problems. I wanted nothing to do with him.

I've spoken to many people concerning how convicted rapists, pedophiles and sexual criminals should be treated in our society. Differing opinions have prompted me to ask: Are we right to judge those who have paid their debts to society, or do they deserve all the pain, suffering and disregard they bestowed upon their victims?

What would you do, if someone you trusted, loved or admired was something they truly weren't? This question doesn't necessarily apply to criminals. On a broader term, its a question of Trust and Integrity: I let myself destroy a wonderful friendship in a matter of minutes, because I felt betrayed and my confidence compromised by a monster. What would I have done, if it were someone much closer to me, like an Uncle or my father?

What do you think? Do these people deserve second chances, or just our indifference and ire? Would you throw away a friend, lover or family member because of something they did in the past?

[Taylor-MadeAK]

I give no second chances to sexual criminals, convicted or not.  Yes, I know at least one man who is guilty of child molestation and has never even been brought to trial for it.  He and three others are on the short list of people that will never even meet my daughter.  Two of the others are relatives on my wife's side of the family: her brother (raped his 10 year old daughter) and her biological father (raped his sister).  The third is my maternal grandfather, who did time for molesting his stepson but was never brought to trial for molesting his three daughters (according to my mom, and who would know better than she?).

It's not as simple a matter as "they did their penance and now deserve to be forgiven."  Sexual urges, regardless of gender, are strong mojo indeed.  That does not, however, excuse anyone for a lack of discipline in that regard.  There is absolutely no reason to believe that a person who has committed a sex crime will never do so again, and it's for this very good reason that such convicted offenders are required (under AS12.63.010 in this state) to register a laundry list of information and keep that information up-to-date at all times for a minimum of 15 years.

There's no such thing as "paid their debts to society" when it comes to rape or sexual molestation.  The victim will never be the same after the crime is committed, there's just no way to fix the damage done by a criminal who abuses another person in this way.  It's possible to heal and move on with your life, but I can guarantee that you'll never be quite the same.

[Oni]

So then a friendship is lost because you found out something about a persons past.

Interesting.

[Zev The Dog]

So then a friendship is lost because you found out something about a persons past.

Interesting.

I see it as a responsibility to distance one's self from sexual felons, no matter who they are. You can't hold these scum to the same standards as you would a thief or former drug addict.

Blame it on a traumatic childhood, or a incompetent father, it still doesn't deviate from the fact: they made a choice to f*** someone's life up and they have no one to blame but themselves.

Would you befriend a man who hurt your family? I know for a fact if my sibling was harmed, I'd be dismembering the perpetrator and looking forward to life in jail.

[Taylor-MadeAK]

So then a friendship is lost because you found out something about a persons past.

Interesting.

So Oni, when was the last time you spoke to your old man?  How 'bout Shannon?

[Oni]

Touche'

Does your past matter OR does who you are today matter?

Oh on a side note...I hate flashbacks

[Zev The Dog]

Touche'

Does your past matter OR does who you are today matter?

Oh on a side note...I hate flashbacks

What you do today is reminiscent of what you did in the past. You would not be here, if not for the choices you made earlier in your life. You cannot escape your past, because it DIRECTLY affects the present.

But I digress...

Some crimes can be forgiven, others not so easily. Saying you found Jesus in a 4x4 cage doesn't absolve a pedophile or rapist

[Taylor-MadeAK]

Saying you found Jesus in a 4x4 cage doesn't absolve a pedophile or rapist

QFT.

[Crimson]

i probably shouldn't answer but i'm going to...

i am a huge supporter of flippin' the switch and i don't think murderers are the only ones that should go.

finding god does not resolve you of past sins. ( i know catholic religion says other wise... don't care) and many 'find god' as a way to get a pardon on their crime. its utter bs. if they know it'll get em out of the sh** their in most criminals will do it.

and i have axed a few people from my life for various offenses upon which i will say no more. there is nothing wrong with being offended or whatnot because you found out. if they were ahem "better" they'd not hide it from you. and truely some things you just can't make better...

[scooter]

Not to divert the subject too much, but who on this list would avoid anyone that's on the sexual preditor list?  Not everyone on the list is someone who's raped a child or unwilling woman.  They move in next door, do you bother to find out what they did or do you immediatly lock up your kids and wife?

[Taylor-MadeAK]

In order to even find out you'd just look them up in the above linked database, and that tells you what crime they were convicted of.  Not the specifics, but enough to make your own informed decision on.  I'll protect my daughter from exposure to anyone on that list, but I don't try to protect my wife unless she asks me to or is genuinely afraid.  By and large Millie can take care of herself, and I let her do just that. 

The thing to keep in mind is, however, is that many of those convicted sexual criminals are only required to keep themselves registered with that database for fifteen years.  Think about that for a minute.  There's no way for you to know about people whose required registration term has expired, and therefore no way for you to "protect" anyone from them should they choose to commit another crime. 

The best protection from sexual predation is to arm our children with the knowledge and backbone they need to protect themselves.  This includes teaching them how to identify and dismiss (as in "f*** off and leave me alone") an internet slimeball.

[Rachael]

It's a delicate question, but I would have a big problem accepting them back into my life.

When I was 15 or so, it was made public that my uncle had been molesting his nephew--my cousin--for the past few years.  He's pretty much been ostracized by our family.  His wife divorced him and has taken back her maiden name, and of course he'll never see his grandchildren again.

I might be willing to see him if he actually felt remorse for what he did, but he doesn't.  I believe that a person can change, but just in case, I would never want to bring any children around him.

If one of my friends turned out to be a child molester or a rapist, I'd probably cut them out of my life because it would just be too painful for me to associate with them.  It would create a deep wound that would take a very, very long time to heal.  And if that person was my husband, I might never trust again.

[Frankie87]

Most of the time sexual predators never change, although in very rare cases, some offenders actually do change. Anyway, all predators should have to live with the consequences of their past actions, regardless of how they are now in the present. I don't think they have any right to be trusted. If I found out that a friend of mine was a sexual predator, I would end the friendship because I simply wouldn't trust him/her. No relationship is worth keeping without trust. Also, I couldn't bear it if he assaulted someone he/she had access to through me. If it were an immediate family member, it would be difficult to sever all ties with the person. Although, I would try to be away from him/her as much as possible and I would keep said person away from my children if I had any. I would keep a close eye on the person and report any fishy behavior, family member or not.

To answer scooter's question, the sex offender registry shows what type of conviction the person has. If I knew for a fact that the person was arrested for statutory rape, then I wouldn't really mind because that means there was no victim and that both parties engaged in consensual sex. Most of the time, statutory rape cases involve teens who aren't that far from the legal age of consent. If I knew that the person was convicted of raping or molesting a child, then I would definitely avoid the person.

My neighbor from two apartments down from me is a sexual predator. I found his picture on accident while browsing the registry online. He was convicted of sexual abuse of a minor in the second degree. I found out that he molested his 10 year old stepdaughter. I try my best to avoid him and I don't let my 11 year old brother play outside alone.

[Eternimus]

This is a tough question. Now I suppose, in all honesty, depending on the severity of the assault, depends on my reaction.

1) Low infraction: Watched very closely, never left alone with my family without me there. Prolly won't associate with them.

2) Mid Infraction: Banished from my presence for all eternity. Possible violence.

3) High infraction: Extreme violence and prejudice.

Many members of my family have in one form or another been molested. And so that sort of thing strikes a chord with me. A very, high pitched shrilling chord that sets me off in a horrible, cursed way that affects my family but me worst of all that we all just describe as a berserking rage. And it's very, very nasty. I have seen 1, count em, 1 person that was a sex offender that changed. Out of alot of people. So yeah. Odds are I wouldn't hang out with someone new if I found out they were a sexual predator, but someone I've known for years I probably wouldn't obliterate. Just watch like a hawk.

[scooter]

In order to even find out you'd just look them up in the above linked database, and that tells you what crime they were convicted of.  Not the specifics, but enough to make your own informed decision on. 

I had actually never gone and looked at the registry, but I just did.  You really gotta know what you are looking at, strictly legal descriptions of the conviction:  Sexual Assult 3, attempted sexual assult of a minor 4... I love Law and Order SVU, but would I know where to draw the line and who plead to a lesser charge?  Probalby not.  Also, out of state people on the list just say 'Out of state'...