UAA Student surviving Radiology

[Radiology101]

Well, This is my first post on this site.  I guess my story starts back when I left home at....yes, figured I'd start a "way back when story" hahaha... so hope you dont mind me rambling on. 

I joined the Army at 18 yrs old and stayed in for 6 years as an Active duty service member.  I first signed up in the Army as a cook thinking it was the best way to go to college and get a degree.  But, As most of us prior service members know... The recruiter will tell you anything to sell you a plot of their swamp land in the Everglades.  I think for the most part I wanted to get away from my step mother.  She was pretty evil.  Not to the point of horns growing and red beadie eyes but pretty close.  Anyhow, I also selected an Airborne Identifier which caused me to only be in Infantry units around Fort Bragg, North Carolina and eventually here in Alaska.  After 3 years I was able to change military occupational skills and became an Army paralegal.  This is were my conflict began.   Long ago even before joining the army I had a sense I was gay.  I guess it really never bothered me much until I was faced with a job that required me to help commanders kick soldiers out of the military for the same reason I could have been given the boot.  Just for the idea of having the desires to be with a male vs. a female.  Wow,  Talking about ironic.  While stationed at Fort Bragg, NC, I conducted my job according to military law and assisted legal attorneys put away the bad guys who did drugs or got in trouble for decking an officer.  Then I would come across cases where I had to prepare packets for soldiers who were gay like myself to be exited out of the Army. 

How do you sit at a desk and throw the book at one guy but pass up taking that same book to get hit with yourself?  How do you sleep wanting to reach out to the soldier who is sitting in his barracks wondering who knows?....What are others thinking?  While keeping everything to include his confidentiality and mine, a secret?  There were times I wanted to cry and and find the gay soldier I was preparing to help the command get rid of.  Tell him dont take it laying down!  Tell him he wasnt alone and could keep his job if he wanted to!  Tell him I know how he feels because Ive been gay all my life and have thought the same things he probably has as well!  Or maybe just quietly give that soldier a hug who joined the service to give his life for others to be free.  Or maybe just quietly give the soldier a hug and say "Hang in there.... You'll get through this and your not alone!"  It's what I had to deal with while being in the Army for 3 solid years as a legal specialist.  Well, near the end of my career in the service.... I dated an Air Force guy...Yeah....I crossed the lines and dated an Air Force guy instead of an Army guy. hahaha. 

We got along great.  We met actually online and went out for a date.  I think we pretty much knew from there it was a great match.  Whats the chances of going on ONE DATE and thinking this guy is perfect.  I had that in my relationship with my "ex-boyfriend".  You see, When we got together there was a hitch.  He was leaving for Germany in 5 months.  I knew that from day one...but just never thought it would bloom as it did.  We would go to lunch together since he was stationed at Elmendorf and me at Fort Richardson.  It was so funny.  We both even had Volkswagon Beetles.  I stayed with him on many nights since he lived off base.  We would leave the same time for group formation at our military brigades for morning physical training.  As I sit here writing this Its nice thinking how things use to be while dating.  Anyhow.... 5 months past with our ups and downs... It was time for him to leave for Germany.  I think I accepted it... But didnt seem to make it any easier.  Well, after he left things kinda went down hill.  He was the first guy I truely loved.  Wow.  It was as if someone took my thumb and walked away with it.  We talked over the phone and wrote letters.....but wasnt the same.  The relationship ended and I pretty much gave up.  I never have been close to my family so he kinda became the family I missed over the years of being in the military just within our short stint of dating.

I really fell into a deep depression.  I liked my job in some ways as a paralegal in the Army but not in others.  I elected to tell my commander I was gay.  Just seemed it was for the best because I got tired of thinking about committing suicide as being my other option.  Winters here in Alaska at that time, just seem to make things difficult due to the fact that it was during winter when I met him.  I dont think I've ever experienced the pain of feeling like a failure as the day I walked into my commanders office to tell him I was gay.  LOL, You should have seen the look on my 1st Sergeant's face.  Just to think his own Airborne Army Paralegal he has been working with for some time was gay.  I think I just had become num to the process at that point and didnt care much.  I sometimes think if I knew about medication to treat depression things may have had a different outcome.  But everything tends to happen for a reason right...lol!  The weird part is.... I typed my own discharge papers from the service.  Can you imagine typing your own documents discharging you from a job you have taken to protect our country and lay your life down for?  WOW, I had plenty of tissue to wipe away the tears that streamed from my eyes.  Here I am, single....In Alaska..... and no job.  Once it was over, I can say I smiled.  I think more so for the fact that it was something I did on my own.  My second accomplishment in life since getting away from my stepmother which being the first...haha.   

Well here it is... My first time telling anyone outside of 3 people this story on a difficult moment in my life. 

I feel better now that its out of my system to feel ashamed I let my country down in away by letting myself down not being able to hold in my pain.  I mean...I was trained as a soldier right? 

I elected to keep my head up over the years and now a full time student at the college in the Radiologic Technology program at the University of Alaska, Anchorage campus.  Im 31yrs old and can say Its a great feeling to be here in Alaska and in the program (probably something I couldn't say while I was a soldier).  Would you like to hear something a little ironic....LOL.  Im currently taking X-ray Exams on Elmendorf Airforce Base by chance which is part of the clinical training.  Its not bad though... At least I can be myself and not have to worry about what someone in a camo colored uniform is thinking this time around....*grin*. 

signed

-Single Gay Male Future Radiology Technician
 

[Oni]

WOW! Very long post. You sound like you would have some great personal, and coming out stories to add to the stories section of the forum.
I am very glad to see you here and hope to hear from you more and more.
I am also flattered and thankful that you were able to share your story with everyone. It sounds like it was a very emotional story to go through, and that you were able to learn alot from everything.
I wonder how many others have been in your same shoes.

[ViewSonic]

*hugs*