What is "cheating" to you?

[yukonron]

For all of my teen and adult life I have been fascinated talking with friends about their sexuality. They know I'll be discreet with their information, and I value the trust they give me. One topic that generates a lot of emotion is the concept of "cheating" when you're involved in a dating (or committed) relationship. I know it's mostly just rationalizations people use to allow themselves a recreational fling in the hay with someone other than their partner, but people have all kinds of ideas about when sex-related activity constitutes cheating!
Some "open" relationships allow recreational sex with strangers if they do it together. Sometimes it's okay if they don't discuss it, or don't bring it home.
Is viewing sexy naked people on the Internet cheating?
Watching porn while your partner is asleep or out of town?
Do people cheat because they need variety? Or to stroke their ego by being desirable to a pretty young thing?
One friend doesn't consider it cheating as long as he doesn't climax. To some straight guys, sex with male friends is okay- sex with female friends is cheating. Ugh!
What do YOU think?

[Oni]

I will make a post on this i promise but please give me a bit to formulate an answers

[chuckhart]

I think cheating would be defined by the couple involved and even then each partner may have different ideas.  For a relationship to work both must come to some agreement as to what is acceptable for both parties.  If a compromise can't be reached the relationship probably will be in trouble.
For me looking at guys and pointing out the hot ones to my (potential) partner would just be fun, not cheating.  Porn is something I could give or take, if I had a partner, I really wouldn't be that interested.  If he wanted to look at it, OK.  For me if it is sex, with or without orgasm, and we are both not involved, it is cheating.  I would be hurt.
Just a few thoughts.

[Oni]

Cheating I would say would be when you do something with out the others knowledge, and hid it. I have both experianced it and done it. So I can see it from both lights. Though mine was part of my trial, I passed, but the out come was a lovely chain of events that lead to were I am now. Any way back on topic here. I think it is defined by the couple and the relationship that you are in.
Some people live in an open relatioinship, while others have more triditional views. With me personally I believe you love the person for who they are. And if sleeping with other people is part of who they are, then well ya gotta deal if you want to be with them. Ya you could say that “If they loved me they wouldn’t do it.” I look at that as a saying from an insecure relationsip. Though every relationship has its rules and guildlines, some spoken and some unspoken. That when are broken pain is caused. Let me give you an example using myself. If say Fox came to me and said, “Hay cat, I feel that I really need to spend the night with this guy.” As long as explained to me why and felt strongly about it I would not stop him. Though if it was just for a fling…well then I would be upset a bit, and raving jelious. Maybe cause I wasn’t invited LOL, or maybe because that guy gets to feel something of mine.
What is important to me in a relationship, is “That and the end of the day no matter what happens we come home to eachother.”
Now if say Fox had an experance with another guy and tried to hide it, and I found out. Well I would loose trust in him, be hurt that he felt he couldn’t tell me. Be hurt that he hide it from me. I would be ferious though if he tried to lie about it. Lol. But if in the end he came home to me, and we discussed it threw, and all was good. Then there would be nothing to worry about. Because what is done is done. Nothing can be done about it, so why sweat over it.
As far as porn goes. Hay it’s porn. Its there to be looked at. So why not. If it bothers a relationship, then I feel that there is a unsecurity some were in the relationship. Some people looke at it others don’t. That’s a perogitive of the relationship. People get upset because they think that the person wants to “play” with the people they are viewing on the interenet, or thinks that they are not pretty because they look at other people on the internet. My favorite flavor and smell in the world is vanilla but I could not eat it all the time, and some times I smell other flavors…shhh don’t tell the vanilla. The other flavors add a spice and refresh my smelling sesnsors in my nose, causing me to appreachate, and remind me why Vanilla is my favorite. Make sense?
Watching porn I think is better when your companion is with you. But to do it when they are not there is no different then looking at pictures.
Why people cheat is of various reasons, and to go into them all would take to long and to much. Sometimes it is to find out who they are, some times is cause they have lost here relationship at home and don’t know how to deal with it, some times its cause well, they are just jerks, and need an ego boost.
The comment about if you don’t Climax its not cheating. LOL. Well that’s a different topic. Because that’s turns into when does petting and snuggling become to much. Another example with myself if you will. If I came home and say Fox was cuddling on the sofa with Kritter (lol ya that is likely to happen…though she does make a good pillow at times) it would not bother me. If it was a guy, I would be a bit jelious (I am a cat the attention should be all on me darnit. LOL) but past that passing thought I would be like hi, walk over give him a kiss and ask how day went. If the were watching a movie, then I would join in with them.
But if I came home and Fox was going past that…well then a discussion would have to be had, unless it was previously discussed. If it was previously discussed then no worries would be had, if not, well the raving jelious cat would show up…lol. Hay I am human sometimes emotions get the best of me.
Any way that’s some of my thoughts. I didn’t want to get to side tracked. So if you have questions about what I say, or feel I might have explained it wrong. A lot of times I can’t put into words exactly what I mean, so do feel free to ask more questions or ask for clearifaction if you like.

[yukonron]

Onicat said, "If Fox came to me and said, 'Hey cat, I feel that I really need to spend the night with this guy.' As long as explained to me why and felt strongly about it I would not stop him. Though if it was just for a fling…well then I would be upset a bit, and raving jealous".

Assuming his strong "need" to spend the night with a man was a one-night stand desired because they're sexually attracted, what makes that different from the "fling" that would make you upset and jealous??

[Oni]

Good and fair questioni. How to answer ...
Well if it was just a one night thing and just physical...well then I would be jelious and up set that I was not invited, a bit confused as well.
If it was caused by emotional feelings as well. Then I would tell him that he can do what he feels he needs to do, and I will be here for him. With Fox I like to think we are Friends before Lovers. Helps us get through things easer I find.
Iether way I would get jellious. But the emiotional envolvement one i could deal with better than if it was just physical. If it was just physical i would be confused and feel left out. If there was an emotional tie with it as well as physical, i would still be jelious but would understand his reasoning because i have been in those shoes before.
And though i may understand the reasoning, I would still have to work to keep my emotions undercontroll and my logic and way of thinking above my emotions.
But if he came to me and just wanted a one night fling with some one and it was just physical, if he really wanted it I would still say ok.
Does that answer your question? If not re-ask it maybe in a different way.

[Goman Fox]

Well, there's a bit more to Oni's and my relationship that would make our reactions to things like that different from some other couples.  One big detail is that I'm polyamorous (and in a way, but not really, so is Oni.  He's the one that introduced me to the idea.  But he doesn't seem to have as strong as beliefs in it anymore.)  Before going further, I want to point out my definition of 'polyamorous.'  I see it as being able to love (in a romantic sense) more than one person at a time.  The actual definition is something along the lines of "participating in more than one romantic OR sexual relationship at one time." 

Honestly I don't like that definition because when I say I'm polyamorous, people group me into the "open relationship" category.  One person even called the term 'polyamorous' the "politically correct term for promiscuous, or downright slut."  I don't really get offended, and realy wasn't, but was a bit annoyed that someone would group together everyone who calls them polyamorous and say "they're just sluts that want a nicer word to use."  I'm aware that there are people who use the term that way, but I don't, so I wanted to make that clarification.

Jealousy can be an issue because of these ideas though, but I'd honestly be more open to the idea of Oni having sex with someone else if there -was- an emotional attachment.  Because that way, I already know a lot about it.  Assuming he's told me a lot about the other guy already.  If not, I wouldn't want him doing it.  Love doesn't just spawn overnight or anything, so if he just said one day "There's a guy I care a lot for, I'm going to go have sex with him" there would be a problem.  But I figure as long as there is good communication, I would be able to handle any jealousy I may feel.

The way I see it, if it's just a physical thing, there's more of a chance it'll happen again.  Wanting to have sex with someone because they're attractive... well, there are a -lot- of people who are physically attractive.  Strong emotional attachments aren't as common (or shouldn't be) so it just doesn't seem as bad to me.  If Oni or I wanted to have sex with anyone we found attractive, that'd be quite a few guys, which would be more likely to lead to dangerous situations.  At least this way, it's a bit safer.  It may sound stange to some people, but I don't like the idea of "open relationships" where partners are free to go off on their own to play with strangers or friends or whatever.  It works for some and that's great, it just wouldn't work for me.

[Oni]

What if for example I had a found some one and I felt very close to them. I spent the night with them, and had a sexual encounter with them. THough because it was a one night thing, that would never happen again, and disapeared from my past. Would that be cheating, if i did it while i was with fox, and I choose not to tell Fox, because it would not change my feelings for him, and it was a one time thing?

[chuckhart]

I think not telling EVER would be good because it would spare your partner's feelings.  Nothing good could come of clearing your consience by telling.  I feel it would still be cheating.  Not as bad as carrying on a two year affair, but nonetheless it would be cheating. You would still be my friend, but I don't knw how your partner would feel.
Is your relationship with your partner something you don't mind risking for some occasional extra awesome sex?

[Oni]

Well No. It's not. LOL. I love my Fox way to much to risk loosing him. So that's  why if I did play with a third party I would ask him to join. But also say I did have a one night fling, and not sure why it happened, I would tell him, because he would already know. My connection with my fox allows me to know whats going on in his life even when I am not there, and I am sure wether he knows it or not, he can do the same with me. So if I was doing something of that nature he would know. I know if it happened to me. I would get over it with time, and ingore it if it was just a one time thing. I would prefer it not happen at all. But if it happens and at the end of the day Fox comes home to me. Then really what does it matter. No my relationship is not worth the risk.
Trust, Faith, Love. Are the three sides of a triangle of any relationship. With out one of those you have an unstable relationship, and one I feel is not worth having. And this goes beyond lover relationships. But into any relationship. Even with friends.

[Kritter]

I was thinking about this topic last night while I was driving back from Freddies and the Brown Jug last night so I wanted to share my thoughts on the matter. First of all my thoughts are only theoretical because how can I say my thoughts are creditable if I have never been in a relationship before. So I will be talking as if I actually have one right now.

*cough*

Ideally I would like to be in a relationship that both parties are excellent when it comes to communication. I believe communication is essential to any lasting relationship. Course there is also love, trust, honesty, etc. Well anywaz,
When it comes to me and my partner, I would like things to be discussed a head of time so we would know each others ok’s and not ok’s.

My ok’s are as followed:
1. It is ok for her and I to watch porn whether alone or together.
2. It is ok to masturbate alone or together.
3. It is ok to flirt- to a curtain point.
4. It is ok to say things like, “Wow, she’s hot” “I would love to ‘do’ her.” (In a joking matter course)
5. It is ok for her and I to dance with other people even if the dancing is kinda dirty. (I have known couples that can’t do that)
6. It is ok to spend some time alone. (Folks need their alone time)
7. It is ok to be with other people.

The NOT ok’s are:
1. To kiss more than just a peck on the check or lips.
2. Being all over another person while I am there or not.
3. Having sex with other people without my knowing.

Hmmm, I am sure there are more to the NOT ok’s but I can’t think of any at the moment.

When it comes to a 3rd person, I might be willing to approve of it. It all depends of the 3rd person and her points on why we should have fun with another person. Shoot, I might even bring a 3rd person instead of her. But never the less, there might be “rules and guide-lines” (similar to the ones of Oni’s and Foxie’s have together) we would follow. Course safe sex will be required when there’s another party involved. (^_^)
As for a possible 4th and/or maybe more parties to have sex with, then that is something I will have to think about heavily on. My 1st sexual experience (and the lost of my virginity) was in a 5 people orgy. I must admit though, I enjoyed it a lot and would like to experience that again. However, I can honestly say that I do not know how I will feel/act if my partner was in the orgy also. Something like that MUST be discuss a head of time and deeply thought out.

If a cheating ever did happened, I honestly do not know what I will do. I once believed of the saying, “Once a cheater, always a cheater” was true; however, that view no longer exist. If the cheating was a one night fling, then I am sure I would forgive her and continue with the relationship. Why, because she is a person and is not perfect. People make mistakes and if she’s smart about it, she’ll learn from it. The trust would most likely be a bit shaky; however, in due time it will stabilize.
Now if the cheating was not a one night fling and the cheating lasted for days, months, and/or years, then the relationship will end. That kind of cheating to me is not cool because she is aware of what she is doing, but chooses to continue and not think of my feelings.

Relationship is a trail of the good and bad occurrences. Mistakes will be done and rewards will come.

[Oni]

Is it right to incourage cheating? To be the 3rd person?

[chuckhart]

I don't like the idea of encouraging one half of a couple to cheat.  Life is hard enough without adding that stress to someone.  If you are talking about encouraging both in the couple to have a threesome...nothing ventured nothing gained.

[Oni]

So then if you found a couple, and you liked one of them. It would be wrong of you to have a one time one night stand with one of them? Is that cheating? Since you did not tell the other and the other was never told? Is there harm to the other if he is never told and it only happened that one time?

[chuckhart]

I think it would be cheating, and I think it would be best to never let the one know, ever.