Jokes on Religion

[Oni]

Feel Free to post any religious Jokes you can think of here.

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

"Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Are you religious?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.

[Oni]

Wonder how many beaners can see this?

Typing in the wrong e-mail address could cause some serious harm. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

      "Dearest Wife,
      Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
      Signed,
      Your eternally loving husband.
      P.S. Sure is hot down here."


Top 5 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

    1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours.
    -- (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

    2. Find a prostitute and marry her.
    -- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)

    3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
    -- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

    4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.
    -- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

    5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.
    -- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)



The Creation... By Computer
In the beginning there was the computer. And God said,
c:\>Let there be light
Enter user id.
c:\>God
Enter password.
c:\>Omniscient
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:\>Omnipotent
Password incorrect. Try again.
c:\>Technocrat
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
c:\>Let there be light]
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:\>Create light
Done
c:\>Run heaven and earth
And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
c:\>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
Unrecognizable command. Try again.
c:\>Create firmament
Done.
c:\>Run firmament
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
c:\>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and
Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
c:\>Create dry_land
Done.
c:\>Run dry_land
And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
c:\>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:\>Create sun_moon_stars
Done
c:\>Run sun_moon_stars
And God created the heavens. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
c:\>Create fish
Done
c:\>Create fowl
Done
c:\>Run fish, fowl
And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
c:\>Create cattle
Done
c:\>Create creepy_things
Done
c:\>Now let us make man in our image
Unspecified type. Try again.
c:\>Create man
Done
c:\>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth.
Too many command operands. Try again.
>c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 6 errors.
c:\>Insert breath
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 5 errors.
c:\>Move man to Garden of Eden
File Garden of Eden does not exist.
c:\>Create Garden.edn
Done
c:\>Move man to Garden.edn
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 4 errors.
c:\>Copy woman from man
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
Execution terminated. 2 errors.
c:\>Create desire
Done
c:\>Run multiplication
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\>Create freewill
Done
c:\>Run freewill
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\>Undo desire
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
c:\>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\>Help
Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\>Create tree_of_knowledge
And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\>Create good, evil
Done
c:\>Activate evil
And God saw he had created shame.
Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn. 1 errors.
c:\>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
Search failed.
c:\>Delete shame
Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
c:\>Destroy freewill
Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\>Stop
Unrecognizable command. Try again
c:\>Break
c:\>Break
c:\>Break
c:\>Create new world
You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.
c:\>Destroy earth
Destroy earth: Please confirm.
c:\>Destroy earth confirmed
And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
12:00:01 AM, Sunday, March 8 God created Macintosh

[Kritter]

JESUS IS AT THE DOGGIES BUTT!!!!! BLAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As for all the other jokes, I got each and everyone. I like the 2nd one of the email going to the wrong account. LMAO, it's priceless!

The computer god thing was funny too.

[Oni]

gets the point accross

[Kritter]

Awww, the joke is SO cute!!!! 

[Rachael]

You know, Oni, you really should post a warning if you're going to have dog's anus inside a topic.  It's an image that would bother many people and as such should come with a warning.

[Oni]

I supose so. But I was not aware that it was obsene, just a joke of bad taiste.

[Kritter]

You know, Oni, you really should post a warning if you're going to have dog's anus inside a topic.  It's an image that would bother many people and as such should come with a warning.

But Rachael, Jesus is there! Can you not see it. You being Catholic and all, I thought you would appreciate it more than everyone else. Guess I was wrong since you are the only one complaining about it. 

But anywaz, look everyone!!!! It's a holy dog touched my Jesus!!! 

[Oni]

Really it was put up for you Kritter. YOu being Mexician and all and see Christ and the Virgin Mary in everything.

[Kritter]

Arg, I’m NOT Mexican. Hehehe.

Yeah, I figured as much. When I first saw the pic, I was like, “Why in the bloody hell Oni put this pic here?” Then I carefully looked at the pic and saw JESUS (in Spanish). I thought it was hilarious! It’s safe to think that the dog belongs to a Hispanic family. Since they are mostly the ones who always find Jesus, Virgin Mary, or the Vir. De Guadalupe (however you spell her bloody name) in mostly everthing!

[Rachael]

But Rachael, Jesus is there! Can you not see it. You being Catholic and all, I thought you would appreciate it more than everyone else. Guess I was wrong since you are the only one complaining about it. 

Um, no.  That's an extremely offensive joke if I ever saw one.

But honestly, it's not the joke that needs a warning.  It's the picture.  Generally it's largely offensive pictures that have warnings attached, especially if it contains nudity or a zoom-in of private parts.  It's images that shock and disgust people the most.

Plus, the pic has been photo-manipulated.  Most people wouldn't even consider an image vaguely resembling Jesus on a tortilla a "miracle"--let alone an obviously manipulated "image" of Jesus on a dog's behind.

[Oni]

*sigh* I didnt realize a dogs behind was offinsive?

[Kritter]

Plus, the pic has been photo-manipulated.  Most people wouldn't even consider an image vaguely resembling Jesus on a tortilla a "miracle"--let alone an obviously manipulated "image" of Jesus on a dog's behind.

Ummm.... DAH! I figured that the pic was a fake. But it was fun talking about it.

*sigh* I didnt realize a dogs behind was offinsive?

I'm already going to give up on this topic. It's only a silly pic yet there's always someone who likes to ruin the fun. 

[Kritter]

[Oni]

I love that last pic.